Monday, July 6, 2009
6 months
So today was actually a pretty good day. I'm finding some great things to do with my time! I think starting tomorrow I'm going to start working out Which is good because I need to get into shape before I get my top surgery done. It was really cool too. I'm starting to buy new stuff for mine and my sister apartment. I got the kitchen done I think. All I need now is pots and pans. I found a cool entertainment stand. it was an ugly brown so I went down to the store and pick up some black paint and painted it. I thought it was going to turn out gray which would have sucked but when it dried it turned back so that was pretty sick...Nothing more is really going on with all my stuff. Now I'm just waiting. I need to get down to Portland...it kind of sucks because I heard that people couldn't give T when they haven't seen you in person. So I'm going to start to travel to Seattle every other week it looks like. So within six months I should be starting to grow some hair on my face and stuff. So that is really tight. I'm still a little iffy about not be able to get my top surgery done for awhile after being on T so I'm looking at it like this. I need to save up 6-8 grand. Within that 6 months. I'm sure I can do it. I'll be making a little more a grand and a half a month. So it shouldn't be no problem. I really have nothing to worry about anymore. I don't need to save money to see my ex anymore which helps a lot... Ahhh what else...I let all those girls know that I don't want a relationship anytime soon. I kind of hurt but I never felt like that before. Its a weird I hurt but I feel good. I feel like I need improve myself so I think all of this should have happened I needed it to push me...So that is proof everything happens for a reason...I didn't forget to hurt or to remember what I had but its kind of like "Wow, I really was kind of lost in that relationship" her and I both have a lot of growing up to do. So maybe who knows we can actually stay friends because I think she'll make a really good friend but as of right now we both just need to clear our heads and move on from our feelings we had for each other. So I'm kind of happy about all that. HAHA so I'm really sleepy. I'm going to get some sleep.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Think before you act
Ok So my ex and I are no longer talking anymore. For sure now. I e-mailed one of her friends to ask if she was okay because I haven't heard from her and she just stopped talking to me. Her friend wouldn't even write me back so that's ok! I will get over it. Things happen for a reason and I know there was a reason she stayed with me. She must have really loved me. So if her love wasn't true she won't come back into my life if it was then we'll see what happens from there. I have too much going on anyways to be worrying about whats going on with her and I. So I am shutting the door behind me...Ok sorry I had to get that all out...lol well I called my therapist today she was really cool. I'm going to make my payment to her here in the next few days.... what else what else I don't know if I got that job they told me to come back on Monday I'm also finding some great ways to make some other money. I make an ok amount of money this week. It's good but it isn't the best!!! I want to be the best that I can right? Well I also called on some apartments today. I'm going to put them hold on it. I asked some people about PortLand they said its pretty sick out there so I'm really happy about whats going on in my life right now. Today is a good day, Hopefully tomorrow will be tooooo. Peace out and think before you put your heart into anything
Friday, July 3, 2009
Hmmm
So I actually went to bed pretty early last night. I think it was like maybe 7:30-8. Doesn't happen that much lol. Umm well I was talking with my sister yesterday and we have decided to move to rather Washington state or Oregon. I'm a west coast guy. I love the west coast..I don't think I can stand moving up north and dealing with the whole weather crazyness lol. There isn't anything for me up there. A good chance at getting a good paying job, yeah. I just think I can even get a good job working in a place I actually want to and live in a place I wanna live. Plus I found this one therapist. She is in Seattle. I was reading her page and I actually like her a lot better then I liked most of them. She actually was on the Opera winfrey show. Dealing with somebody that was going through the same thing as me. So I think she would be pretty good to deal with. This one place here is hiring I guess so I'm leaving actually in about 45 minutes to go put in for the job. I hope I get it. I have worked in stuff like that before so I think it I have good chances. So if I get them that is one more step closer to moving meaning one more step closer to getting into therapy and getting started with my T!!! Yeah now that is AWESOME lol. I just hope I actually get the job. We'll see. What else what else...Umm I woke up last night because I had a dream about my ex...I was at a party with my friends or something and I thought she was there and I found her and my brother was there too with his girlfriend and we were riding in the back of the truck going down to some party to watch the fire works but i wanted her and I to go to a different area to watch the fireworks and I thought she was with me but then she was gone when I turned around! so I was looking for her went up to the party were my brother was at and I asked him were she was and he was like "Idk i know she said she hates you because your a back stabbing asshole" then I seen her, she was hanging on some dudes ..Man I can't get her out of my head. I need to move on I know. Then I called her when I work up, yeah she didnt answer. whatever I also started talking to another girl. I use to talk to her way back like two-three years ago. I didnt really talk to her all that much because her friend liked me so I didnt want to mess that up but I messaged her on myspace because I found old e-mails from her. She lives here in az about two hours from me so Idk where that will go but shes pretty cute. I'm also talking to this other chick she has the same name as my ex which is something I dont really like to too she is also kind of weird looking lol i mean idk i thought i would give her a chance as well! So whatever...I found a site that gives you a lot of info!!! I love this page It isnt just for ftm its also for mtf! Check it out...
http://www.transgendered-soul.com/files/IETG_Resources_0808.pdf
Well i'm out I gotta go shower PEACE
http://www.transgendered-soul.com/files/IETG_Resources_0808.pdf
Well i'm out I gotta go shower PEACE
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Damnit
So I messed posted the insurance company I called it blue cross of blue shield. Its is actually called blue shield of blue cross. I found out that they do actually have it in Iowa but I heard a lot of transgender actually try to get on this but the thing is they do not have any luck. I guess you just have to try and go through the right steps. I could maybe get my therapy covered under depression. Now for my T I don't think I can get that covered. I was as a MTF (Male to female) I could get it covered over hormone unbalance but I'm not so I don't think I can. I don't know I guess only SOME transgender get covered. So I really hope I fall into that "Some". I just can't apply right now because I do not have a job. I actually have that possibility of getting a okay paying job. I think they pay like 10 dollars an hour starting and I can go up to 12 something an hour once I'm there for three months. It isn't a FOR SURE thing but it is kind of a good chance deal. This just sucks because I'm moving up there to Iowa for that girl. Now we just aren't talking. I'm also moving up there because my brother actually is having a baby too. I just don't know if this is the right move for me.
I really miss her a lot. I was driving in the car today and I was just listening to some music I think it was T.I and it made me think about her. This is stupid right? I want to let go. Some days I can. It just seems like its me always trying to let her go. Just telling myself that I don't need somebody that will let me be there for them for a year and be there for me then just dish out on me like that. I had two girls do this to me before. I'm just sick of living it over again. I called her today too. I wish I could just not call her anymore but its hard. Every time I pick up that phone, I tell myself "Hey she is going to answer and be like I'm sorry I lost my phone" or something. Which wouldn't really make scene because why didn't she just call from her house phone. I guess its just stupid stuff!!! Well back to something I have control over. I was looking at this site its another Health insurance...
www.aetna.com/index.htm
They don't cover my state so that sucks too lol...I was looking at some stories and it seems like everybody that is FTM is just going along so good. Me? I'm not. Now this is something that really sucks because everybody is just like "Yeah I found my therapist blah blah." I cannot even FIND ONE. I found one guy that seems pretty cool but he does web cam/phone sessions. I thought that was pretty cool. Then I seen the price 360 an hour. FUCK YOU BUDDY! I don't know....I'm just so lost. This sucks
Well I hope and pray this does not turn out like my move to Washington State. Oh man, I ended up moving in with a crazy aunt. I was dating a girl that ending up dating my older cousin and my younger cousin was best friends with her and his brother liked her too. Well she didn't know I was cusions with her best friend. So yeah drama. I ended up dropping out of high school right and when I moved up to Washington I ended up getting back into high school also I ended up getting a job too. So I was doing pretty good but life at my aunts house wasn't going so well. My aunt she was crazy as hell. She would do stuff like I would ask her to read one of her books. Then when I was gone at school she would go down stairs and take it then tell me I lost it. One of my favorites. I use to get up for school around 11 go to the high school for one of my classes, then go to L.O.C for the rest of them then around 5:30 I would walk from my L.O.C class to my job. This is in WASHING STATE. It gets pretty freaking cold during the winter months, also known as the state that ALWAYS RAINS. So I got sick a few times because she wouldn't pick me up which by the way she would leave about the same time to go pick up her husband from work (because she didn't work she just sat at home all year around freakin fatty) and she wouldn't let me drive my cousins old car that he didn't drive anymore because he had a new one but she wanted to fix that one back up too and give it to him so he could have two cars. So I would get home until about 11 or 12 at night then my crazy aunt would take the light from the stairs at night so I couldn't see trying to get down into my room. Just stuff like that. I went CRAZY up there. She would tell my what street to walk on. THIS IS AGAIN A SMALL TOWN. I was 18 at the time I didn't need to be told what streets to walk on. I don't know whatever. She just messed me up a lot in the head when I was down there.
I Know I'll be moving to iowa with my sister to be closer to my brother. I'm just scared some stuff we talked about happening just won't. I'll finally have my own place which is good but still. I just hope everything works out. I don't really enjoy living with my sister too much but I can't afford to move out by myself. Life sucks right now.
I really miss her a lot. I was driving in the car today and I was just listening to some music I think it was T.I and it made me think about her. This is stupid right? I want to let go. Some days I can. It just seems like its me always trying to let her go. Just telling myself that I don't need somebody that will let me be there for them for a year and be there for me then just dish out on me like that. I had two girls do this to me before. I'm just sick of living it over again. I called her today too. I wish I could just not call her anymore but its hard. Every time I pick up that phone, I tell myself "Hey she is going to answer and be like I'm sorry I lost my phone" or something. Which wouldn't really make scene because why didn't she just call from her house phone. I guess its just stupid stuff!!! Well back to something I have control over. I was looking at this site its another Health insurance...
www.aetna.com/index.htm
They don't cover my state so that sucks too lol...I was looking at some stories and it seems like everybody that is FTM is just going along so good. Me? I'm not. Now this is something that really sucks because everybody is just like "Yeah I found my therapist blah blah." I cannot even FIND ONE. I found one guy that seems pretty cool but he does web cam/phone sessions. I thought that was pretty cool. Then I seen the price 360 an hour. FUCK YOU BUDDY! I don't know....I'm just so lost. This sucks
Well I hope and pray this does not turn out like my move to Washington State. Oh man, I ended up moving in with a crazy aunt. I was dating a girl that ending up dating my older cousin and my younger cousin was best friends with her and his brother liked her too. Well she didn't know I was cusions with her best friend. So yeah drama. I ended up dropping out of high school right and when I moved up to Washington I ended up getting back into high school also I ended up getting a job too. So I was doing pretty good but life at my aunts house wasn't going so well. My aunt she was crazy as hell. She would do stuff like I would ask her to read one of her books. Then when I was gone at school she would go down stairs and take it then tell me I lost it. One of my favorites. I use to get up for school around 11 go to the high school for one of my classes, then go to L.O.C for the rest of them then around 5:30 I would walk from my L.O.C class to my job. This is in WASHING STATE. It gets pretty freaking cold during the winter months, also known as the state that ALWAYS RAINS. So I got sick a few times because she wouldn't pick me up which by the way she would leave about the same time to go pick up her husband from work (because she didn't work she just sat at home all year around freakin fatty) and she wouldn't let me drive my cousins old car that he didn't drive anymore because he had a new one but she wanted to fix that one back up too and give it to him so he could have two cars. So I would get home until about 11 or 12 at night then my crazy aunt would take the light from the stairs at night so I couldn't see trying to get down into my room. Just stuff like that. I went CRAZY up there. She would tell my what street to walk on. THIS IS AGAIN A SMALL TOWN. I was 18 at the time I didn't need to be told what streets to walk on. I don't know whatever. She just messed me up a lot in the head when I was down there.
I Know I'll be moving to iowa with my sister to be closer to my brother. I'm just scared some stuff we talked about happening just won't. I'll finally have my own place which is good but still. I just hope everything works out. I don't really enjoy living with my sister too much but I can't afford to move out by myself. Life sucks right now.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The start of it all!!
Alright! Lets see here...well I guess i'll start this out telling a little about myself. I actually am kind of stuck in the middle of a lot of different things. I just kind of let go of old feelings that I had with this girl. We started dating way back in august of 2008. I actually met on myspace and our relationship started out as a lie. I lie about who I was because I mean FTM (Female to male) transgender. So I wasn't really all that sure about who I really was. I had a lot of deep feelings of wishing I was somebody else. So I did lie to her. She found out later down the road that I wasn't just somebody that lie to her I was a female as well. I pulled it off because I can make my voice sound just like a guys so it was not that hard. So it kind of sucked when she did find out about it she was still there for me after she went through the whole shock of it all!
She was at college her freshman year. We seen each other every now and then. So when she left she didn't have to deal with her parents too much in the whole thing with her and I. The down side to this all is had to go home during school sometimes when she was able to. So every time she went home she just pushed me away. Stopped calling that much then when she got back to school she would pick up the whole calling me thing like nothing ever happen Then finally in Dec. she broke up with me.
She was really going through a lot. I talked to her dad on the phone he told me straight out he doesn't want her with me because I am a girl wanting to be a guy. Plus she had some problems of her own at home! So I was still there for her because I fell inlove with her I wanted to give her a helping hand through it all. We had the whole not dating other people thing but her and I didn't have the title. She said that it helped her if family and some of her friends if we didn't have that title so I was okay with it because I just wanted to be with her so bad. I wanted to prove to her family and friends that I am actually inlove with her.
So we still really talked everyday. We didn't go without talking for 143days. lol! Yeah so it was pretty crazy. So this summer she went home. She got a job and she said that she has to work early in the morning, she has plans with her family and friends that she can't change, and she just is too sleepy to call. So we now go without talking for a good while. I call, she doesn't pick up. I leave a voice mail asking her to call back. She never does anymore. She'll call me every now and then. I call her, text her saying that I really need her. (Not even in the whole creeper way) I would only call about once or twice a day. Every day I would pick different times! So yeah! lol she pretty much just threw me away slowly.
So really I think this whole thing really tought me a lesson! She is a sweet girl by far. I was just too nice to her. I let her walk all over me. I let her pick what type of relationship she wanted to have with me because I just wanted to be with her. I hope this helps people out to get out of relationships like I was in. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't think I can really get a beautiful girl like her again. She didn't tell me when I was looking good she never called just to say i love you. She never really did anything like that. She always said that she was in a bad relationships so this is the reason she is like that. Me? I'm not like that. When I loved her I loved her hard and i really loved her true. The thing is loving somebody so much and letting her walk all over me in a emotional way is something that a lot of people just let others they love do.
So they stick it out in hopes things will go back to the way they were but see it takes two people. If I have my heart on the line and she picked to just break up with me after I wasted a year of my life proving to her that I will ALWAYS be there for her but see she doesn't want that. What she wants right now is not me! I see that now. I was so scared of letting her go out of my heart because she WAS MY HEART. Then i started seeing that there are alot of girls that actually really like me that REALLY want the title of being with me. That isn't scared to let her parents know. That won't ditch out on me everytime her friends/family comes around. It took me that LONG to find out!
That turned into a longer story then I wanted but that was a lot of feelings that I had for her. I really hope and wish to anybody that is in a relationship like this just let go. You may not see it at the time but other people actually want you. It is time to build a new life and a new you. Girls come and go. You might think you have that one because you really feel it in your heart. I think she might have been that one girl that I could have spent the rest of my life with because she is beautiful, smart, and really caring. The thing is it takes two to start it and two to keep it going. She wasn't one that wanted to keep it going. So I have to find somebody that I can love like I loved her that will be willing to keep my heart safe and not let anybody else mess it up! The good news is that I think I have. I'm not moving it fast. I'm not lying. I'm taking it one step at a time. She has already proved that she isn't like my ex. I met her meet her parents already. They were cool with me. It's just weird not being with my ex because I was with her for so long. *Not relationship way but just feeling way* but I don't know, I think and hope that this other girl will show me true colors. I'm sick of those fake colors people put on around different people. The really cool thing about all this is we haven't kissed kissed yet. We are just like really good friends that get to talk about other things as well. I asked her what she thought of the whole friends coming first and hanging out with them every single day even if that means you won't be able to talk to the person you like. (That was how my girlfriend was) and I loved her answer. She said "Well I do believe that, but at the same time if I had somebody I loved my friends will have to see that I need to spend time with that person I like too and if you have a problem with that then their not true friends" So that was really cool. Wish me luck in that pleaseee! lol
So what is new with me! I'm at the start of my FTM transgender status. I have been trying to find some ways I can actually start it all. The thing is I have little to no money to even start. I have found some pretty good websites and stuff. I just needed to find a Insurance Company that is willing to help me or cover all the cost of my therapy for it! I wanted to start T (testosterone) but to be able to start my T I have to go through testosterone therapy! I didn't think I could get on my T for another two years because that was something I read on some sites but talking with some FTMs they were telling me that they got on it within a month-3months of them seeking T therapy! So that is a REALLY good thing. So now I'm at the point of trying to find out what insurance companies will cover this. I was talking with a FTM and he was saying that his insurance covers does but everybodies coverage is different. He was on Blue Shild Blue cross. The thing is they have Blue Shild Blue cross of Ariona. (The state I am in right now) but they do have not Blue Shild Blue Cross of Lowa (The state I am moving to in three to five months) So I'm in the middle of all that! Umm lets see what else. I have been trying to also find some sites that can give me some helpful info! The number one site that did help me a lot was.
www.ftmguide.org
This is a really cool site. It tells you about blinders, Packing, and pretty much everything that you need to know!!! Cool freakin site!
So I'll keep updates on this whole thing with me so be sure to check back. I'll try to give a new site to check out on every post so make sure you come check my blog out!!
She was at college her freshman year. We seen each other every now and then. So when she left she didn't have to deal with her parents too much in the whole thing with her and I. The down side to this all is had to go home during school sometimes when she was able to. So every time she went home she just pushed me away. Stopped calling that much then when she got back to school she would pick up the whole calling me thing like nothing ever happen Then finally in Dec. she broke up with me.
She was really going through a lot. I talked to her dad on the phone he told me straight out he doesn't want her with me because I am a girl wanting to be a guy. Plus she had some problems of her own at home! So I was still there for her because I fell inlove with her I wanted to give her a helping hand through it all. We had the whole not dating other people thing but her and I didn't have the title. She said that it helped her if family and some of her friends if we didn't have that title so I was okay with it because I just wanted to be with her so bad. I wanted to prove to her family and friends that I am actually inlove with her.
So we still really talked everyday. We didn't go without talking for 143days. lol! Yeah so it was pretty crazy. So this summer she went home. She got a job and she said that she has to work early in the morning, she has plans with her family and friends that she can't change, and she just is too sleepy to call. So we now go without talking for a good while. I call, she doesn't pick up. I leave a voice mail asking her to call back. She never does anymore. She'll call me every now and then. I call her, text her saying that I really need her. (Not even in the whole creeper way) I would only call about once or twice a day. Every day I would pick different times! So yeah! lol she pretty much just threw me away slowly.
So really I think this whole thing really tought me a lesson! She is a sweet girl by far. I was just too nice to her. I let her walk all over me. I let her pick what type of relationship she wanted to have with me because I just wanted to be with her. I hope this helps people out to get out of relationships like I was in. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't think I can really get a beautiful girl like her again. She didn't tell me when I was looking good she never called just to say i love you. She never really did anything like that. She always said that she was in a bad relationships so this is the reason she is like that. Me? I'm not like that. When I loved her I loved her hard and i really loved her true. The thing is loving somebody so much and letting her walk all over me in a emotional way is something that a lot of people just let others they love do.
So they stick it out in hopes things will go back to the way they were but see it takes two people. If I have my heart on the line and she picked to just break up with me after I wasted a year of my life proving to her that I will ALWAYS be there for her but see she doesn't want that. What she wants right now is not me! I see that now. I was so scared of letting her go out of my heart because she WAS MY HEART. Then i started seeing that there are alot of girls that actually really like me that REALLY want the title of being with me. That isn't scared to let her parents know. That won't ditch out on me everytime her friends/family comes around. It took me that LONG to find out!
That turned into a longer story then I wanted but that was a lot of feelings that I had for her. I really hope and wish to anybody that is in a relationship like this just let go. You may not see it at the time but other people actually want you. It is time to build a new life and a new you. Girls come and go. You might think you have that one because you really feel it in your heart. I think she might have been that one girl that I could have spent the rest of my life with because she is beautiful, smart, and really caring. The thing is it takes two to start it and two to keep it going. She wasn't one that wanted to keep it going. So I have to find somebody that I can love like I loved her that will be willing to keep my heart safe and not let anybody else mess it up! The good news is that I think I have. I'm not moving it fast. I'm not lying. I'm taking it one step at a time. She has already proved that she isn't like my ex. I met her meet her parents already. They were cool with me. It's just weird not being with my ex because I was with her for so long. *Not relationship way but just feeling way* but I don't know, I think and hope that this other girl will show me true colors. I'm sick of those fake colors people put on around different people. The really cool thing about all this is we haven't kissed kissed yet. We are just like really good friends that get to talk about other things as well. I asked her what she thought of the whole friends coming first and hanging out with them every single day even if that means you won't be able to talk to the person you like. (That was how my girlfriend was) and I loved her answer. She said "Well I do believe that, but at the same time if I had somebody I loved my friends will have to see that I need to spend time with that person I like too and if you have a problem with that then their not true friends" So that was really cool. Wish me luck in that pleaseee! lol
So what is new with me! I'm at the start of my FTM transgender status. I have been trying to find some ways I can actually start it all. The thing is I have little to no money to even start. I have found some pretty good websites and stuff. I just needed to find a Insurance Company that is willing to help me or cover all the cost of my therapy for it! I wanted to start T (testosterone) but to be able to start my T I have to go through testosterone therapy! I didn't think I could get on my T for another two years because that was something I read on some sites but talking with some FTMs they were telling me that they got on it within a month-3months of them seeking T therapy! So that is a REALLY good thing. So now I'm at the point of trying to find out what insurance companies will cover this. I was talking with a FTM and he was saying that his insurance covers does but everybodies coverage is different. He was on Blue Shild Blue cross. The thing is they have Blue Shild Blue cross of Ariona. (The state I am in right now) but they do have not Blue Shild Blue Cross of Lowa (The state I am moving to in three to five months) So I'm in the middle of all that! Umm lets see what else. I have been trying to also find some sites that can give me some helpful info! The number one site that did help me a lot was.
www.ftmguide.org
This is a really cool site. It tells you about blinders, Packing, and pretty much everything that you need to know!!! Cool freakin site!
So I'll keep updates on this whole thing with me so be sure to check back. I'll try to give a new site to check out on every post so make sure you come check my blog out!!
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