Damnit

So I messed posted the insurance company I called it blue cross of blue shield. Its is actually called blue shield of blue cross. I found out that they do actually have it in Iowa but I heard a lot of transgender actually try to get on this but the thing is they do not have any luck. I guess you just have to try and go through the right steps. I could maybe get my therapy covered under depression. Now for my T I don't think I can get that covered. I was as a MTF (Male to female) I could get it covered over hormone unbalance but I'm not so I don't think I can. I don't know I guess only SOME transgender get covered. So I really hope I fall into that "Some". I just can't apply right now because I do not have a job. I actually have that possibility of getting a okay paying job. I think they pay like 10 dollars an hour starting and I can go up to 12 something an hour once I'm there for three months. It isn't a FOR SURE thing but it is kind of a good chance deal. This just sucks because I'm moving up there to Iowa for that girl. Now we just aren't talking. I'm also moving up there because my brother actually is having a baby too. I just don't know if this is the right move for me.

I really miss her a lot. I was driving in the car today and I was just listening to some music I think it was T.I and it made me think about her. This is stupid right? I want to let go. Some days I can. It just seems like its me always trying to let her go. Just telling myself that I don't need somebody that will let me be there for them for a year and be there for me then just dish out on me like that. I had two girls do this to me before. I'm just sick of living it over again. I called her today too. I wish I could just not call her anymore but its hard. Every time I pick up that phone, I tell myself "Hey she is going to answer and be like I'm sorry I lost my phone" or something. Which wouldn't really make scene because why didn't she just call from her house phone. I guess its just stupid stuff!!! Well back to something I have control over. I was looking at this site its another Health insurance...

www.aetna.com/index.htm

They don't cover my state so that sucks too lol...I was looking at some stories and it seems like everybody that is FTM is just going along so good. Me? I'm not. Now this is something that really sucks because everybody is just like "Yeah I found my therapist blah blah." I cannot even FIND ONE. I found one guy that seems pretty cool but he does web cam/phone sessions. I thought that was pretty cool. Then I seen the price 360 an hour. FUCK YOU BUDDY! I don't know....I'm just so lost. This sucks

Well I hope and pray this does not turn out like my move to Washington State. Oh man, I ended up moving in with a crazy aunt. I was dating a girl that ending up dating my older cousin and my younger cousin was best friends with her and his brother liked her too. Well she didn't know I was cusions with her best friend. So yeah drama. I ended up dropping out of high school right and when I moved up to Washington I ended up getting back into high school also I ended up getting a job too. So I was doing pretty good but life at my aunts house wasn't going so well. My aunt she was crazy as hell. She would do stuff like I would ask her to read one of her books. Then when I was gone at school she would go down stairs and take it then tell me I lost it. One of my favorites. I use to get up for school around 11 go to the high school for one of my classes, then go to L.O.C for the rest of them then around 5:30 I would walk from my L.O.C class to my job. This is in WASHING STATE. It gets pretty freaking cold during the winter months, also known as the state that ALWAYS RAINS. So I got sick a few times because she wouldn't pick me up which by the way she would leave about the same time to go pick up her husband from work (because she didn't work she just sat at home all year around freakin fatty) and she wouldn't let me drive my cousins old car that he didn't drive anymore because he had a new one but she wanted to fix that one back up too and give it to him so he could have two cars. So I would get home until about 11 or 12 at night then my crazy aunt would take the light from the stairs at night so I couldn't see trying to get down into my room. Just stuff like that. I went CRAZY up there. She would tell my what street to walk on. THIS IS AGAIN A SMALL TOWN. I was 18 at the time I didn't need to be told what streets to walk on. I don't know whatever. She just messed me up a lot in the head when I was down there.

I Know I'll be moving to iowa with my sister to be closer to my brother. I'm just scared some stuff we talked about happening just won't. I'll finally have my own place which is good but still. I just hope everything works out. I don't really enjoy living with my sister too much but I can't afford to move out by myself. Life sucks right now.