The start of it all!!

Alright! Lets see here...well I guess i'll start this out telling a little about myself. I actually am kind of stuck in the middle of a lot of different things. I just kind of let go of old feelings that I had with this girl. We started dating way back in august of 2008. I actually met on myspace and our relationship started out as a lie. I lie about who I was because I mean FTM (Female to male) transgender. So I wasn't really all that sure about who I really was. I had a lot of deep feelings of wishing I was somebody else. So I did lie to her. She found out later down the road that I wasn't just somebody that lie to her I was a female as well. I pulled it off because I can make my voice sound just like a guys so it was not that hard. So it kind of sucked when she did find out about it she was still there for me after she went through the whole shock of it all!

She was at college her freshman year. We seen each other every now and then. So when she left she didn't have to deal with her parents too much in the whole thing with her and I. The down side to this all is had to go home during school sometimes when she was able to. So every time she went home she just pushed me away. Stopped calling that much then when she got back to school she would pick up the whole calling me thing like nothing ever happen Then finally in Dec. she broke up with me.

She was really going through a lot. I talked to her dad on the phone he told me straight out he doesn't want her with me because I am a girl wanting to be a guy. Plus she had some problems of her own at home! So I was still there for her because I fell inlove with her I wanted to give her a helping hand through it all. We had the whole not dating other people thing but her and I didn't have the title. She said that it helped her if family and some of her friends if we didn't have that title so I was okay with it because I just wanted to be with her so bad. I wanted to prove to her family and friends that I am actually inlove with her.

So we still really talked everyday. We didn't go without talking for 143days. lol! Yeah so it was pretty crazy. So this summer she went home. She got a job and she said that she has to work early in the morning, she has plans with her family and friends that she can't change, and she just is too sleepy to call. So we now go without talking for a good while. I call, she doesn't pick up. I leave a voice mail asking her to call back. She never does anymore. She'll call me every now and then. I call her, text her saying that I really need her. (Not even in the whole creeper way) I would only call about once or twice a day. Every day I would pick different times! So yeah! lol she pretty much just threw me away slowly.

So really I think this whole thing really tought me a lesson! She is a sweet girl by far. I was just too nice to her. I let her walk all over me. I let her pick what type of relationship she wanted to have with me because I just wanted to be with her. I hope this helps people out to get out of relationships like I was in. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't think I can really get a beautiful girl like her again. She didn't tell me when I was looking good she never called just to say i love you. She never really did anything like that. She always said that she was in a bad relationships so this is the reason she is like that. Me? I'm not like that. When I loved her I loved her hard and i really loved her true. The thing is loving somebody so much and letting her walk all over me in a emotional way is something that a lot of people just let others they love do.

So they stick it out in hopes things will go back to the way they were but see it takes two people. If I have my heart on the line and she picked to just break up with me after I wasted a year of my life proving to her that I will ALWAYS be there for her but see she doesn't want that. What she wants right now is not me! I see that now. I was so scared of letting her go out of my heart because she WAS MY HEART. Then i started seeing that there are alot of girls that actually really like me that REALLY want the title of being with me. That isn't scared to let her parents know. That won't ditch out on me everytime her friends/family comes around. It took me that LONG to find out!

That turned into a longer story then I wanted but that was a lot of feelings that I had for her. I really hope and wish to anybody that is in a relationship like this just let go. You may not see it at the time but other people actually want you. It is time to build a new life and a new you. Girls come and go. You might think you have that one because you really feel it in your heart. I think she might have been that one girl that I could have spent the rest of my life with because she is beautiful, smart, and really caring. The thing is it takes two to start it and two to keep it going. She wasn't one that wanted to keep it going. So I have to find somebody that I can love like I loved her that will be willing to keep my heart safe and not let anybody else mess it up! The good news is that I think I have. I'm not moving it fast. I'm not lying. I'm taking it one step at a time. She has already proved that she isn't like my ex. I met her meet her parents already. They were cool with me. It's just weird not being with my ex because I was with her for so long. *Not relationship way but just feeling way* but I don't know, I think and hope that this other girl will show me true colors. I'm sick of those fake colors people put on around different people. The really cool thing about all this is we haven't kissed kissed yet. We are just like really good friends that get to talk about other things as well. I asked her what she thought of the whole friends coming first and hanging out with them every single day even if that means you won't be able to talk to the person you like. (That was how my girlfriend was) and I loved her answer. She said "Well I do believe that, but at the same time if I had somebody I loved my friends will have to see that I need to spend time with that person I like too and if you have a problem with that then their not true friends" So that was really cool. Wish me luck in that pleaseee! lol

So what is new with me! I'm at the start of my FTM transgender status. I have been trying to find some ways I can actually start it all. The thing is I have little to no money to even start. I have found some pretty good websites and stuff. I just needed to find a Insurance Company that is willing to help me or cover all the cost of my therapy for it! I wanted to start T (testosterone) but to be able to start my T I have to go through testosterone therapy! I didn't think I could get on my T for another two years because that was something I read on some sites but talking with some FTMs they were telling me that they got on it within a month-3months of them seeking T therapy! So that is a REALLY good thing. So now I'm at the point of trying to find out what insurance companies will cover this. I was talking with a FTM and he was saying that his insurance covers does but everybodies coverage is different. He was on Blue Shild Blue cross. The thing is they have Blue Shild Blue cross of Ariona. (The state I am in right now) but they do have not Blue Shild Blue Cross of Lowa (The state I am moving to in three to five months) So I'm in the middle of all that! Umm lets see what else. I have been trying to also find some sites that can give me some helpful info! The number one site that did help me a lot was.

www.ftmguide.org
This is a really cool site. It tells you about blinders, Packing, and pretty much everything that you need to know!!! Cool freakin site!

So I'll keep updates on this whole thing with me so be sure to check back. I'll try to give a new site to check out on every post so make sure you come check my blog out!!